Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 isn't just another medieval RPG; it's a chaotic masterpiece of brutal realism and absurd humor. Every playthrough is a unique adventure, filled with unpredictable side quests that defy expectations. Below are just a few of the wildest tales I've encountered while exploring the unpredictable beauty of Bohemia.
These stories contain no spoilers for the main storyline, focusing solely on the quirky adventures that showcase the game's wonderfully unpredictable charm.
Table of Contents
- Laboring for Troubadours, Only to Receive a Terrible Song
- Rescuing an Alcoholic Hunter... and Delivering Him Straight to the Tavern
- Confronting the Polovtsians, Only to Philosophize with a Dog
- Going Rogue as a Thief and Paying the Price
- Selling a Stolen Horse and Meeting Gypsies
- Why Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 Stands Out
Laboring for Troubadours, Only to Receive a Terrible Song
Nestled in the charming town of Želejov – a place boasting a bathhouse, fistfight arena, and a lively tavern – reside two incredibly lazy troubadours. Their dreams of conquering Bohemia with their "epic" songs are hampered by a distinct lack of funds, instruments, and any semblance of artistic direction. Should they sing of noble ideals or beautiful women? The question remains unanswered.
Determined to assist these aspiring musical geniuses, Henry embarks on a series of increasingly ridiculous tasks. He steals a lute (risking arrest and reputational damage), only to have the musicians promptly snap its strings, demanding replacements made from sheep intestines. The challenges continue: once the strings are ready, the bards reveal their debt to the innkeeper, refusing to work it off, claiming it's beneath their artistic genius to carry sacks.
After countless errands across Bohemia, the troubadours finally possess everything they need: an instrument, freedom from debt, and…inspiration. Their reward for Henry's efforts? A soul-crushingly dull song glorifying his mundane exploits: stealing, sheep butchering, and bag hauling. The locals cringe, Henry facepalms, and I? I laughed until my sides hurt.
Rescuing an Alcoholic Hunter... and Delivering Him Straight to the Tavern
Remember those crucial lute strings? They require the crafting skills of a local hunter named Vojtěch. The catch? Vojtěch is a drunkard who, after a drunken stumble into the woods, found himself climbing a tree to escape a pack of wolves. Naturally, during the rescue attempt, he falls and injures his leg.
The intended path involves carrying him back to camp, rescuing his horse from bandits, and helping him sober up. In return, Vojtěch becomes a loyal ally, teaching survival skills. But what if you choose to honor his wishes and deliver him straight to the nearest tavern?
I did just that, trekking through forests and swamps with a disgruntled Vojtěch slung over my shoulder. His reaction upon arrival? Less than thrilled. He refused further assistance and limped off, grumbling. Our next encounter? He greeted me with a scowl and offered the "best view" behind his shack as compensation. The absurdity was glorious.
Confronting the Polovtsians, Only to Philosophize with a Dog
In Kingdom Come, the Polovtsians are the villains responsible for destroying Henry’s home and family. Finding them causing trouble in a tavern ignited my righteous fury. I marched towards their encampment, ready for vengeance.
But fate, or perhaps the game's quirky sense of humor, had other plans. Instead of ruthless marauders, I encountered friendly fellows eager to socialize. Soon, I was matchmaking one with a gypsy woman, then drinking all the alcohol in the camp, and finally, belting out bizarre songs with them. Just as I was getting into the groove, a talking dog interrupted, lecturing me on life's purpose and challenging me to swim across a lake. I survived (barely), and the entire experience was utterly hilarious.
Going Rogue as a Thief and Paying the Price
By hour 30, I was a master thief. By hour 31, I was Bohemia's Public Enemy Number One. How? A single, disastrous heist. Disguised and looting a guard barracks, I was spotted by a passerby who, surprisingly, didn't intervene. But the next morning, a guard burst into my room, accusing me based on circumstantial evidence – my flashy accessories and the lingering scent of my crime. The attention to detail is astounding.
Selling a Stolen Horse and Meeting Gypsies
One night, I stole a horse and attempted to sell it to Mikolaj, the gypsy horse trader. Mikolaj, however, was asleep. My attempt to sell the horse resulted in it bolting back to its owner before I could even tie it up. I waited until dawn, only to watch Mikolaj spend ten minutes eating porridge at a glacial pace before finally completing the transaction. Even minor escapades become hilarious misadventures in this game.
Why Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 Stands Out
These anecdotes only scratch the surface of what makes Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 so unique. Every decision, no matter how small, has consequences that ripple through the world in surprising and often hilarious ways. From rescuing drunkards to philosophizing with dogs, the game provides endless entertainment. Its commitment to realism and immersive detail ensures every playthrough is a truly unique experience, making it a must-play for RPG enthusiasts. Bohemia awaits!
